We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
