my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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