I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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