Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
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Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
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When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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