My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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