Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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