you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
