i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
