i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
