i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
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I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
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I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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