i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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