I only kidnapped one of them. chill
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
your like the ambassador to my penis.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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