so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
