I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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