I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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