I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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