I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
