The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
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everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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