I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
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