i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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