is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Holy shit dude........stairs
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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