im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
