I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
