I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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