I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I touched a dick in church today
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
