we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
