We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
