If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
