if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I will be naked everywhere
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
