i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
