I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
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He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
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UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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