Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
