im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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