Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
