Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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