pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Randomize
