I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
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