Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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