Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
