in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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