right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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