Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
