Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
