omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
