you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
