New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
