hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
