i always forget guys have bellybuttons
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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