6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
