I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
