I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
