my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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