Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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