my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
