yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
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The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
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You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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