i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
